Musings: The one where I admit I'm struggling

I've been meaning to write this blog post for a while, however I never really know exactly what it is I want to say, or how to write it, so I've just kept putting it off. 

But, today is the day I'm going to write it, and I hope that in doing so I'm giving myself the kick up the back side that I so desperately need.

I'M STRUGGLING.

There, I said it. Now if you follow me on the social media's then you may have probably guessed this. However, I have tried to hide just how badly I am struggling. Why? I hear you ask. Good question.  When I started this whole online documentation of my weight loss, I had no idea that it would be as integral to my journey as it has been. I honestly believe I would be no where near the weight I am right now if it weren't for you lovely people on the internet cheering me on. I'd recommend starting accounts to anyone who wants and needs some extra encouragement along the way.  So again, why did I not mention how hard I was finding things?

BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL SO DAMN LOVELY.

As silly as it sounds I knew that if I kept posting about my struggles I'd get replies on how everyone struggles, how I've done so well so far, and how one bad day isn't that bad etc. I know this because it's the kind of things I tell other people; but it's not what I needed to hear. I desperately didn't want to post things that I knew would get nice comments as I felt they weren't deserved. I needed the kick up the bum comments, the get over yourself comments and the WHAT THE FUDGE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!! DON'T THROW IT ALL AWAY YOU IDIOT comments, that I know wouldn't give me (and thank you for that.) I needed to tell myself that. So I didn't post the accidental (seriously, it's like my mind switched off for a split second) chocolate, piece of bread etc. that fell in my mouth. I ate foods without taking pictures of it, and just stuck to posting my on plan meals, and you know what? I WAS ONLY CHEATING MYSELF.

It's so great having a community of people who genuinely seem so interested in supporting me. I've said it before but I'll say it again, my accounts have made a huge difference in my life, I've never felt this support before and I'm so grateful to everyone for it. YOU GUYS ROCK. Yet, you can't lose this last bit of weight for me. You can't slap the chocolate out of my hand (I wish you would!) You can't make my mouth say no to food when offered and you sure as hell can't switch my go button back on. It has to be me!

From July 14 till May 15 my 'motivation switch' was firmly pressed on. I must admit, I felt kinda smug about it. I felt on top of the world, I knew what I wanted, I knew how to say no, I knew how much better I felt being smaller, I thought I was set for life... Then my switch got knocked. Every so often it would get turned back on, but it would slip, and for the last month, it was definitely more off than on.

I'm now 5lbs from my lowest weight and I have two choices. I can continue to wallow, feel sorry for myself and eat chocolate OR I can decide to take control again. I know it's not going to be easy. Even as I'm writing this I can feel that my heart isn't fully into it, that I may cave, but that's life isn't it? It's not going to be easy. I'm going to have to fight for this. And it is worth fighting for.

I've got a last minute holiday booked for the middle of this month, and at the end of the month I start a new job. I know that both of those are going to go a lot better (in terms of confidence) if I'm back on track then if I carry on the way I'm going.

So here's to trying. To persevering, and to giving myself a kick up the bum!  And thank you, again, for being so awesome!