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Musings: The secrets of a secret eater

If there was a 'Secret Eaters Society' there is a pretty good chance that I would be the Queen of it.

And if not the Queen, most definitely the Princess.

The secrets of a secret eater

"Got a secret, can you keep it? Swear this one you'll save. Better lock it, in your pocket, eating this one in your bedroom when everyone else is asleep..."

Secret eating is definitely the main issue that affects my weight loss and people seemed to really like this blog post so I thought I'd write another, similar one, focused solely on secret eating.

I know some of the points may have been repeated, but I also knew you wouldn't mind.

  • Waiting for everyone to go out before you can go all James Bond on the kitchen.

  • Re-arranging the bin so you can't see all the wrappers or strategically distributing wrappers throughout all of the different bins in the house. (This is also a great way to pass the blame).

  • Taking food evenly so it looks like no-one has touched it. Thank you boxes of chocolates and biscuits with layers!

  • Wearing clothes with pockets so you can hide food. Just another reason why fatties like winter the best.

  • Perfecting you're 'Oh no, I don't know where the last cake has gone' expression - spoiler alert, it's now making it's way through your digestive system.

  • The way normal people get excited finding a tenner in their pocket that they'd forgotten about is the same way you feel when you find that Galaxy you'd hidden and forgotten about.

  • Having to pretend you're not full because of all the crap you'd eaten previously so you still eat your actual dinner too, to ward off any suspicion of secret eating, even though you're border line going to throw up and still hoarding half a Dairy Milk in your room.

  • If you have kids, or you're babysitting somebody else's kids, you put them to bed a bit too early so that you give yourself more time to eat all the snacks you have with you, without having to share them with any little hands. 'Cause guess what? FATTYS DON'T SHARE FOOD.

  • You may also lock yourself away from the dogs (pet of choice) so that you can eat without their judgement.

  • You know how Gretchen Weiner's hair is full of secrets, well so is the side compartment and glove-box of a secret eater.
  • Constantly looking shady in shops because you're trying to hide all the good stuff, first in your trolley, then after paying so others don't know about the delightful goodies you've purchased.

  • Somehow managing to not have these things make it in your Instagram pictures.

  • You've perfected all of the different excuses that will get you away from other humans so that you're able to chow down.

  • You're a pro at neutralising house smells so that no-one would be none the wiser to any food you've cooked or eaten. (I am the girl who used to bake cakes when I was home alone, then hide them under my bed.)

  • By some miracle, you've managed to convince loved ones that the box under the stairs just contains boring sewing equipment. What they don't know is it's full of treats that would make Willy Wonka jealous.

  • Most secret eaters like 'alone time' because it means they can chow down freely, away from judging eyes (and without the need to share).
  • Offering to fetch food for people so you can sneak little bits off of their plate before serving.

  • Secret eaters have battle scars from being over eager and stealing items from the oven.

  • Gettng anxious when people won't leave, because you have 6 Peanut Butter Cups calling your name from the other room.

Would you be part of the Secret Eaters Society?

P.S Four for you Glen Coco if you got the Pretty Little Liars reference, you can stick around! 


  1. I'm sticking around as I sang the first sentence. This hits in the nail on the head, I am so guilty of this! It's why I started putting on weight when I lived alone!

    Hannah xx

  2. Sign me up!! In fact I'm sure I have an honorary membership. The side compartment of my car though, chunky Kit Kat wrappers & empty cups of those cold espresso can you get! They don't count, how can liquid have calories?!?

    1. Liquid calories definitely don't count!

  3. Oh I'm definitely a member. Under the front seats in the car is perfect for packets of cakes that are either done, or that you intend to come back to later!!