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Musings: Confessions of a fatty

Confessions of a fatty

Hi, my name's Laura and I'm a fatty. (This is where you all reply saying 'Hi Laura' FYI)

The other day, I found myself acting out one of these below points and thought to myself, you know what, this could make a semi humorous blog post, so here it is. I mean, people seemed to enjoy this post so...

I'm hoping that someone else out there can relate to this and that I don't really need to go to fatty's anonymous... 

- deliberately going to the kitchen in clothes that have pockets so that you can squirrel extra food away for later (a couple of minutes). No that's not a biscuit in my pocket, I'm just excited to see you...

- waiting for people to leave so you can be a human hover and eat everything in plain sight. Sometimes you just don't want the judgement of going to every plate on offer, twice, after your first plate....

- having to replace food 'cause you've eaten someone else's. Then having to buy it again because you didn't learn the first time. Sorry not sorry.

- discretely taking food from different places so it doesn't look like it's been eaten. We all know the extra layer on the bottom of chocolate boxes and biscuit packs are sent from the gods. 

- making sure you're in charge of dishing up so that you can give yourself more food. (and the tastiest bits of food.) Again, sorry not sorry.

- planning your day/week/life around meal times. Then spending the majority of your time thinking about food whilst wondering when you can next eat food.

- finding reasons for going into the kitchen so you can get more food. Oh, I just need another drink, some kitchen roll, just stretching my legs...

- baking something 'cause there isn't anything else to eat. Girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do after all.

- hiding said sweet treats under your bed and spraying air freshener around the house so no one is any the wiser about said baking expedition, preventing you from having to share the baking or get told off for baking. 

- having to strategically hide wrappers in the bin so people don't see how much you've eaten. It's basically a less sanitary version of Jenga. 

- staring at other people's food hoping they'll offer you some and then declining when they do so you won't seem greedy then dying a little inside.

- lying about how much you ate earlier so you don't feel too greedy eating all the food later.

- getting protective over your food, like come any closer and I won't be responsible for my forks actions, dude.

- not eating in front of children/anyone who would ask for a bite 'cause FATTY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD

- feeling like you have to offer a bite of your food to someone then feeling like a piece of your soul has been destroyed when they say yes. Excuse me sir, but I was just being polite, learn to read between the lines man!

- then getting outright angry when they take a humongous bite of the best bit.  JUST BUY YOUR OWN FOOD FFS!

- eating quickly so that you don't have to share and get first dibs on seconds.

- not feeling too hungry and wondering what's wrong with you so you eat something anyway to see if it makes you feel better.