The last couple of weeks I've had a pretty empty calendar which has allowed be to be fully 100% on plan at all times and it has been great.
It's helped me build back my determination and in hand given me the motivation I need to get going. I feel proud of myself again and more determined then ever to not only get back to the happy place I'd gotten to, but to smash past it and get to my goal.
However, I'm now being asked to do things that will take me out of this routine I've built for myself. It may mean I can't work out every morning before work, or I won't be 100% control of the food I'm eating; and if I'm honest it's freaking me out.
This happened before. I'd put off doing stuff because of how it may effect my weigh in, and weight loss. I would say that it's my determination, but really it's me avoiding life.
I wanted to loose weight this time not only to look nice in clothes, but also to reclaim my life. I could tell that if I kept my lifestyle up much longer I was heading straight for health problems, which is not the one when you're just in your early 20's. But finding that balance between focusing on your goals and actually living your life by going for meals with friends or stopping over at someone else's house is hard.
Towards the end of last year, when I was going in my downward spiral and not really putting any effort into losing weight, I'd jump at the opportunity (not literally, obvs, too much exertion) to go out for diner, wouldn't give a second thought to what others may serve me for dinner (as long as it wasn't fish 'cause vom!) and I sure as hell didn't care that I may not be able to fit in a workout in that day. In fact I was finding reasons not to workout that day.
Right now though, I do care about not getting my workout in, I do overthink every thing that I may eat that I won't be able to know the exact points for or the way it's cooked. I'm scared that it'll have a ripple effect as I'm very much an all or nothing kinda gal.
I'm finding myself getting anxious, and even wanting to find excuses to get out of things because it'll mess with my routine. But that's, in effect, taking me further from my goal of living my life to the fullest and not having my health restrict it.
Why is it so hard to find a balance?
It's times like these I think of something Phoebe says a lot which is "on plan when I can", and really, I need to get that drilled in my head. There are 21 meals in a week, so what if 3 or 4 or even 5 (cue gasps) aren't 100% on plan. There are 7 days in the week, so what if I can only manage to workout on 3 of them? I'll have still worked out. These are the kind of things I need to get my head around. So I may gain half a pound here and there, it's better than half a stone, right?
I need to stop letting what the scales may say dictate my life. Because yes I have a goal of what I'd like them to say, but I also have other goals, that ultimately, take precedent over that.
So here's to balance, and hoping that we can all find some.
