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Musings: Hiding beneath the layers

One of the most satisfying things about weight loss is getting back into clothes you could no longer squeeze yourself into and watching the numbers inside said clothes get smaller.

It is a regular occurrence for me to have an evening trying on my smaller clothes and then running into my parents room to show my mom. If I wear one of those items of clothing over the coming days I feel good about myself and confident and I like that feeling, it spurs me on. See my Instagram here on a night out for my boyfriends birthday, I felt damn good about myself and he agreed (although he always has, he's a good egg!)

Tonight (last night) was one of those said nights in which I've tried on the smaller clothes, done a dance for my mom and gone to bed feeling pretty damn proud of my achievements and encouraged for the rest of the week. However, I noticed something which has struck a chord with me, a lot of my smaller clothes are 'nice' going out clothes and I was left thinking ' I wish I had somewhere to go out and wear these.'

People who know me know I'm 22 going on 82. I'm usually in bed by nine and asleep by quarter past, even on weekends. I much prefer a quiet night in than a late night out, but is that because I'm getting older, or because I was getting fatter?

Whilst I've always loved my sleep, I used to love a good night out. I'd spend ages planning what to wear, how I would do my hair and makeup and practise walking in my heels without looking like a pregnant duck. However over the last couple of years I slowly found myself going off it.

At first I thought it was because I had a boyfriend, I didn't need to spend the time going on a night and dressing up as I had a guy at home I could spend time with. As sad as it was one of the reasons I got so dolled up and slimmed down was to meet guys, it was a confident boost (even if I had some Dutch courage going on too.)

Then I thought maybe it's because I don't drink anymore. Clubs are very different when you're sober let me tell you. Also when you're sober you don't have the Dutch courage pushing you through, telling you that you can in fact dance and are basically the white Beyoncé.

But tonight it's sort of hit me; have I been hiding? I'm a lot more confident in how I look again now, and to be honest, I'd still rather be tucked up in bed than painting the town red, but I don't really go out anymore.

Last weekend my boyfriend and I went shopping and I honestly couldn't remember the last time we'd done that (aside from supermarket shopping.) We don't go out to dinner, just the two of us anymore, and just tend to spend most our weekends at home vegging out, which is totally my doing.

I've also stopped wearing makeup, which for someone who has a beauty blog is a big deal. It started with me stopping wearing makeup to work, in honour of sleep, but then stretched out to me wearing the same look on the odd occasion I would leave the house. I stopped experimenting in fear I'd look stupid and embarrasses myself, and in turn my little blog has been neglected which makes me sad as I put so much effort into it.

Whenever I've lost weight in the past I've always noticed my confidence sky rocket, but in the past I've always lost weight so I could feel good in clothes and confident meeting new people. This time I did it because I knew I had to for my health. I wanted to be 22 knowing there was a good chance of me seeing 82!

I have a boyfriend who loves me now matter what my appearance, I've finally gotten to the age where I'm less bothered by what people think, but tonight I've realised I've been hiding. Part of it is just because I'm a home girl who would marry her bed if she could, but the other part of me has realising I've been hiding within myself (let's face it, there were plenty of hiding spaces) and that's really struck a chord with me.

They say weight loss is not just a physical journey but a mental one, and I wholeheartedly agree with that statement.

The purpose of this post seems to have gotten so lost that I can't even remember the point anymore. I just felt the need to get this written down and shared. I wanted this blog to be where I shared my thoughts and food with the world, and this is one of those posts.