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Musings: Regaining what You've Lost

Wow, this title sounds a lot deeper than this post actually is....

As I'm writing this, I am 16.5lbs away from my lightest weight and 35lbs away from goal (probably more after this weekend 'casue, lol, did you see what I ate?), and if I'm being honest, it's kind of getting me down.

At the start of the year, I was using this as motivation and it really got me determined. I worked my fat bum off but ended up getting nothing in return weight loss wise (except a friggin' pound gain.) I then had a weekend off plan, which spiraled into pretty much a week off plan thanks to snacking Sally that came out to play (cow).

I can't really put my finger on why I found it so hard to get back on plan. I think it was a mixture of getting a taste of the good stuff, knowing I wasn't getting weighed, and knowing my hard work hadn't really amounted to anything (except a 3 inch waist loss, seem to easily forget that bit!). I also knew I had my weekend in London to look forward to as well.

One night last week, (well actually, a couple of nights) I lay in bed, looking through my Instagram pictures of me at my lightest and got a bit tearful as I wiped the chocolate stains from around my mouth. (I'm a right catch.)

I just felt so annoyed at myself for letting it slip, for not staying and there, and mostly for not enjoying every god damn minute of how it felt to be that size. The whole, 'I wish I was as fat as I was when I thought I was fat' springs to mind.

Whilst seeing the proof that I can actually do this (kicks self in bum) should motivate me and give me the determination I need, it actually makes me feel a bit glum.

I don't want to lose the weight I've already lost. I want to be losing new weight, reaching new goals. I feel further away from my goal at the moment then I did a further 3.5 stone ago.

If I'm honest, I feel like I've let myself down. I've lost my way and I'm not too sure how to find my way back.

I think it's so much harder getting back on track when it's not just a little gain from one week, but a large gain built up over time. It's also hard knowing that this is going to be a life long battle.

I'm fed up of yo-yoing though.

I'm fed up of organising my wardrobe by size. Of having 'fat clothes' and 'thin clothes'. Of thinking I'm only about 5lbs away from wearing that again.

I'm fed up of being back at a size I thought I wouldn't see again.

And I'm really fed up that every time I loose weight I can't seem to break past a certain stone mark!

I know this is all a mental thing, but it's something that's really bothering me. I can feel myself bringing on the self-sabotage, and I'm trying so hard to stop it. I also know that when I look at the above picture, it's not that obvious I'm a stone heavier. In my head, however, I'm a big fat monster (thanks Brain, you babe!) which really doesn't help.

I'm hoping that my weekend away, where I really did enjoy myself, helps get it out of my system, and that I can manage to get a full week on track. Then another week, and another and hopefully get back to the place I once was.

Fingers crossed to finally start losing again soon. 'Cause otherwise I might just go even more insane.