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Musings: You're always going to be a fat girl, you don't know how to be anything else...

This is a quote from one of my all-time favourite books You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me which, really, I could write a whole blog post about. Instead, I’ll just say if you have always felt like a ‘fat girl’ (regardless of your size and weight) you need to read it.

But honestly, I've never identified with a main character more than I have with Neeve in this book. I re-read it all the time. 

Anywho, this line has stuck with me since I first read the book back in 2011. It’s just so true!

I’ve always been fat. Always!

When growing up I was always one of the ‘bigger’ girls. I’ve never truly felt ‘slim’.

Even when I got down to my lowest weight last year (which is only 2lbs lighter than the lowest weight I’ve ever gotten down to in my adult life) I was still trying to find the biggest gaps in-between tables when navigating out of restaurant.

I was still cautious before sitting on something in case I broke it.

I still felt uncomfortable sitting next to someone on a sofa in case I was encroaching on their personal space due to my fat thighs.

Now whilst in this state of ‘why on earth did I let myself get so far from my lowest weight, why am I being an idiot, pass me a biscuits’ (you can read more the delights of my brain in this rather odd post) this quote keeps springing to mind.

When looking back on previous weight loss expeditions, it’s always the point where I get slightly happy with the way I look when the weight starts piling back on. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware this is probably down to the fact I get comfortable, relax, get a taste for the good stuff and then can’t kick the habit again.

However, what if, subconsciously, my brain is like ‘girl, you can’t be thin. I don’t know how to be thin so stay the fat miserable whale you are now to make things easier, k?.’

Maybe that’s why I keep hitting this wall? Also, maybe the wall is easier to break through when I’m fatter and weigh more than it is when I’m slimmer because I have more weight to force my way through it? Therefore explaining why it’s easier to stay motivated at the start. BOOM, I’m a genius!

Right, back to this post. Which is difficult as I’m not too sure where I’m going with it to be fair… sorry if someone is actually reading this. 

But yeah, could all this sabotage be because I don't know who I am as a slim person? 

Everyone in my life has seen me bigger, and by default I've always been 'oh the fat one' (because people are mean and can't think of a better way to describe a person). I've never really been known for anything else.

So what I'm probably getting at is something I already had an idea for a blog post for, but is that weight loss is just as much mental changes as it is physical ones.

My mom is always saying "If you don't like something change it, if you can't change it change your attitude." - Shout out to Mommy Biscuit there!

However, as someone who likes a good moan as much as the next person it's difficult. (As you can probably tell...)

So when (lovely) people are telling me perhaps I need to look into following a new plan (which is something I have been considering) perhaps, what I really need is to find a new attitude instead.

When I think about it, I haven't really changed much food/exercise wise (except eating more crap and actually upping my exercise) lately, yet I'm finding things tougher. Because really, it's not what I'm doing that's the problem, but the why and how I'm doing it.

So now I need to do the actual hard part and figure out a way to reconfigure my brain so I stop being such a self-saboteur.

Does that even make sense or am I just writing utter garbage at the moment?

Well, it's some food for thought isn't it?

And seriously, go read You Don't Have to Say You Love Me by Sarra Manning - it's amazing! (and I'm not being paid to say this, promise!)