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Life: What are you even doing right now?

Oh hi, remember me? The girl who lost loads of weight, put it all back on and then kind of disappeared? Well, I'd like to think I'm back.

It's pretty obvious this ol' blog here got completely neglected last year. There's many reasons for that. It started with lack of time, which then lead to laziness and then, ultimately, it felt like it was this big task there was to break. However, I've realised recently, I really enjoy writing random nonsense on here. It makes me feel better. So, I'm going to start doing it again.

No pressure, no schedules, just me and a blank screen.

I've just finished reading 'Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear' by Elizabeth Gilbert, and whilst I kind of had to force myself to finish it, one piece of the book struck a chord with me. It was something along the lines of, 'If you love something, you make time for it. Even if it's just a stolen couple of minutes here and there'. So, this is what I'm doing now. Trying to steal a few minutes here and there and work on getting some content up. A lot of it probably won't be any good. Some of it maybe won't even make it onto the world wide web, but for me, I just kind of need to force myself to do it.

I think last year was the year I lost my way with the Internet a little bit. And that started with me not having a fudgin' clue what I was doing weight wise (except for gaining it). Why would people want to see what I was eating if it was no way going to help them and there weight loss like (at least I hope) my page used to? And what I was eating was not insta-worthy.  I couldn't post pictures of myself, because I was just gaining weight, and again, that ain't inspirational. So what was the point. My Instagram just kind of became a place where I'd put stories of my dogs up and the occasional food or fun day out.

If I'm being honest, I still don't know how I'm feel about things. But all I know is that I want to write on here again, hence this very self-indulgent and arguably pointless blog post. However, I thought if I wrote down what I was doing with my at least my weight loss life for you, (I say you like there's people reading this), then maybe it would re-affirm it to me.

Shockingly, I haven't weighed myself since around February last year. I don't know how much I weigh, and to be honest I don't care. What I do know, and what I do care about is that I'm fat again. Probably not as fat as my heaviest, but close. And I don't want to be like that. However, seeing a number on the scales isn't going to make me feel better, so instead, I've taken my measurements and I'm going to monitor them monthly and focus on how my clothes fit.

In terms of weight loss, I'm not following a specific plan. For the first time in my life I'm going to try and lose weight like a 'normal' person. Essentially I'm following the basics of Slimming World, because in my eyes it's the most simple and easiest to fit into the lifestyle I lead, however I'm not weighing things and I'm not counting any syns.

I realised last year that, for pretty much all my adult life, I'd been obsessed with numbers, either on scales, in clothes or in foods. And quite frankly, I've had enough that. I'd really like to think that I can get to a size where I'm happy and confident in my body (I'm trying to do that anyway, but ya know, it's going to be easier to love my self when I can fit into more than just 10% of my wardrobe) and actually focusing on enjoying my life, rather than tallying up the number of calories/syns/points I've eaten in the day and how that will affect a stupid box I have to stand on each week.

So yeah, that's where I am with losing weight (again). And to be honest, I'm feeling good or as good as you can for only being two weeks into it. I'm still trying to workout, which I think is important, and I'm trying hard to resist the urge to eat every possible item I can get my hands on.

But what this still leaves me struggling with, is where I sit on Instagram. (Such a stupid, superficial and first world problem to have, I know). I'm not following a specific plan, I'm just trying to eat healthier food, and posting my food just seems a bit pointless. I want to document things, I want to go back to posting how I used to, but I just don't really see the point. As shallow as it sounds, I hate seeing my follower number go down (yes, it shouldn't matter, but yes it still bothers me, it's another number to obsess over, right?). I used to really love posting to Instagram, but now it just feels a bit meh.

So, I guess that point still has a pin in it. - Ok, side note, I've just found a blog post that I must've wrote some point last year and never posted and it pretty much says exactly what I'm trying to get at. It's here if you want a read, and snaps to old me!

I think I've pretty much said all I want to say now. I've informed you of what I'm doing weight wise, I've let you know that I'm hoping to get more content on here and I think I've probably bored you to sleep.

The last thing I want to say is that if you're reading this and have it made it this far or if you're one of the amazing people that's always been a cheerleader for me, thank you; it really means a whole lot!

I'm also going to post some none self-indulgent stuff that appears I've been keeping hostage in my drats, just in case you're really bored and need something to do!