Musings: Being honest online

I've recently been reflecting on my weight loss (or lack thereof) and my documentation of it online.

When I first set up my 'Fatty Wants a Biscuit' persona I'd post every last thing that went in my mouth, and because I was so conscious of everything, I wouldn't eat as much and I'd wait only until I was actually hungry.

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I'm not saying I didn't eat 'cause I was scared or anything, I still ate and everything, nothing worrying, I just gave thought to what I was eating and if I'd be proud to post it, if you know what I mean?

I was always honest with what was going on 'diet' wise, and that really helped keep me motivated, and I still to this day, credit documenting my weight loss online for how long I was able to stay motivated, which in turn helped the weight loss come down.

And come down it did.

Whilst I never actually achieved my target weight, I got to a point where I was happy. Where I could wear clothes that I actually wanted to wear, not ones that just fit me. I was becoming more confident and happier within myself.

Then I became complacent. And I started eating more, but instead of showing everyone everything I was eating. I would eat it in secret.

I mean, I am pretty much the queen of the secret eating society. 

So I'd eat a chocolate bar and not post it, or a biscuit or basically whatever I could get my hands on, but I wouldn't take a picture, I would just eat it. And because I didn't take a picture, it obviously didn't count so it didn't matter.

That is until weigh in.

I'd maybe gain a lb, or perhaps 2 and then everyone would be like, it's so unfair, you don't deserve that, but the truth was, more often than not, I did.

(Don't get me wrong, sometimes the scales really were a bitch, and a gain truly wasn't deserved.)

For some reason I have it in my head that I have to post a certain way online. A lot of this comes from reading blogs a lot and occasionally working with bloggers through my job.

What started out as me just wanting to document my weight loss journey and gain some extra added support, turned into me basically wanting to be what is kind of the weight loss equivalent of Zoella.

Which is madness, and kind of less enjoyable.

I got fixated on seeing the numbers rise. Of hearing people around be going 'ooh, how many followers have you got now' and me thinking, yes I have more than the average Joe, but look how many 'so and so' have.

I fell into the trap of comparing myself to everyone else online, and it just made me think I'm not good enough and that I need to change up what I was doing.

Was my food 'Instagram' worthy? Why couldn't I lose weight again so I could get some good Transformation Tuesday's? What is making people like that photo and not that photo?

So I'd stop posting pictures of myself, because 'oh hi 2 stone weight gain' - who would find that inspiring and want to follow me?

Oh look, another take-away, or another pack of biscuits - no-one would want to follow me if I post that again will they?

These are actual thoughts I've had.

It's ridiculous.

But that's what happened.

I doubt anyone would, or does, but, if you go back through my Instagram you'll see how when I became more confident you couldn't move through my feed without seeing multiple pictures of my face. Whether it was a comparison shot, or just me showing you how awesome I thought I looked in the outfit I was wearing.

My food was mostly on plan, and I would be proud to share all my accomplishments.

Then the pictures of me started to fade away, as did the accurate food documentation.

I saw a conversation on Twitter that kind of led me to writing this, where someone said they find people a lot more honest on Twitter than they are on Instagram, and I couldn't help thinking that was me.

I'm more than happy to tweet away about how I'm struggling and all the different rubbish I'm shovelling in my mouth, yet I'm not willing to post it on Instagram.

Why? WEIRDO!

I'm not going to lie, yes I want people to follow me, and I love hearing from people who tell me I've inspired them, but if I'm only giving you half the picture, how inspiring can I be?

What I really need to do is find the balance between posting what I think people want to see, and posting whatever I want to post. I need to become 'me' again.

So what that if at the moment my NSVs are few and far between. Or the fact that I'm ending up having more days off plan then on? That's real life. That's my life. And surely that's got to be more appealing to people, right?

But, even if it isn't, I need to stop caring so much.

So here's to turning over a new leaf and starting a new chapter. One where I'm honest with what I'm doing, and not trying to fool you all, because let's face it, the scale's ain't lying, and the waistband on by jeans sure as hell ain't lying.

Please tell me I'm not the only one guilty of this?