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Musings: Being a self saboteur

You know that feeling when you're ten biscuits deep and starting to feel a tiny bit sick, then you start to feel guilty, but for some reason you have to carry on until the biscuits are gone? Well, that's me.

And even though my name would suggest it, it's not just biscuits I do this with, it's just any food in general.

Being a self saboteur

I think there is some sort of switch in my head that just gets pressed every now and again, and that switch is labelled destroy, and for the life of me I wish that freakin' switch could be disconnected at the mains.

I know I'm not the only one this happens too, which is why I felt the need to write this post, if not to just let all my frustration, with myself, out, but to also let someone else who may read this blog know that they're not alone.

Sadly, what I can't do is give you the answer on how to stop. I wish I could, because that would mean that I'd be at a happy weight, and quite frankly be rolling around in the millions. Alas, I'm just rolling in general. 

For some reason, I'll have a few bangin' weeks on plan. I'll be able to plan in some treats, I can stick to my syns, I'll exercise daily and it won't really feel like that much of chore. Then, something will happen, and sometimes it can just be that I blink too quickly and like that self destruct has been hit and I'm shoving biscuits down my gob until I feel sick.

But then I'll still eat my normal meals 'cause that's what's ingrained in me and then I'll just feel more rubbish.

It's a cycle I can't get off of.

I just can't help but sabotage myself.

I could blame others for it like why do people bring biscuits into the house? Why do people drop cakes on the desk opposite me? 

But at the end of the day it's my hand shoving the food into my gob.

I've written before about how to get your head back in the game after a binge, and whilst I still totally stand by it, I also think it's a lot easier to write posts like that when you're feeling motivated and have your head in the game, but when you're feeling a bit poop like I do now, it ain't all that easy.

As much as I want this blog to be motivational and hey look 'I've lost weight, you can too' I also want to be honest, and document as much as I can. 

When I first started Instagram I was so on it, and I literally would only eat things I knew would help my weight loss because I didn't want to post anything else, and I didn't want to eat in secret. I didn't want to let people who were following me down. 

Now, I realise the world doesn't implode if I don't take a picture of something I'm eating. I can eat stuff without people knowing (which is probably why some people are shocked when I do gain after all I've posted is on plan stuff.) I'm also wary of posting binge type stuff or 'bad' things, because I know how easy it can be to see something online then fall off track because of it, and hey I would hate to sabotage someone else whilst I'm messing up my own diet. You know what I mean? 

I also do this in real life. I buy things in secret and eat them in my room or in my car or even down a quiet road. I know this is because I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I just have to, need to eat the piece of food. I hide stuff in my pockets and squirrel myself away. I pretend to be James Bond and makes sure no-one is coming and see how much food I can shovel into my mouth before someone comes into the kitchen.

But I just can't stop it. 

I don't want to call what I do binge eating, because I know that Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is a real disease, and I don't want to make light out of it in anyway, nor do I want to self diagnose (I had to give up watching Grey's Anatatomy cause I genuinely started to think I was a doctor) so that's why I've called this self sabotage. 

And really, it is self-sabotage. 

I'm the one who's ruining stuff for me. I'm the reason I can't lose weight. I'm the reason I feel like crap after doing this.

But why can't I stop?

I guess that's the million dollar question really isn't it? 

Answers on a postcard please...

Promise  I'll write something more amusing soon.

Also, thank you to every single one of you who leaves me a nice comment and helps make me feel better. It really does mean more than you know!